When You Can't see Your Shadow
I was cutting sweet red peppers for my favorite meal and finally figured out what was wrong. I’d been wondering why I am this hurt and this sad lately. We had just put our Maggie down after a short fight with cancer. We’d put down 4 dogs before so I am no stranger to losing pets. For some, the pain went a little deeper, like with Emma, our very first and Louie, he was only 6 years old, gone way too early.
I had just experienced other very recent loses – 2 family members in a fire the week before Christmas and we had put down one of our old guys right before Thanksgiving. It’s been a sh*t show, I won’t lie.
But this is still different. I can’t seem to shake this deep pain. I can’t get away from it. I even ended up at the hospital due to my blood pressure being through the roof.
As I was cutting the peppers, I realized that Maggie was my shadow. And as I write this, the tears stream down my face. She followed me everywhere, she was with me always. When I was cutting peppers for dinner, I always cut some for her. When I was in the bathroom, she sat with me. When I was doing schoolwork or work, she was there.
She went on trips with me, just the two of us. She went on trips with Steve and I, just the three of us. She was special. The constant in my life for 8 years. My mini-me. I even said that she was just like me – round and fast, smart and always on the go.
My job is to teach others about adapting to change. I even change jobs without much commotion, I actually expect to every few years. But this will be the hardest change for me. As I pick up her things around the house and set up her memorials, I realize that this one’s a little different and so much harder.
I know I will be OK. And it doesn’t stop me from being grateful and happy for the good things that continue to come. I know it’s been a really rough three months and quite frankly, a rough two years with the loss of several to cancer, mostly.
Loving pets, it seems, is one of our last traces of unconditional love. They are our companions without fault. We care for them when they are weak and dying and are more merciful than we are for our human companions at times. And we are lost without them when they leave us.
Some people are afraid of shadows. The problem with shadows is that they are cast by light. We can’t have shadows without light. Right now, it feels like a lot of darkness without our little nugget. No light, no shadow.
