I get in my head… a lot
Last year I embarked on a learning journey via a coaching program that is referred to as "presence-based" coaching. I remember sitting in a circle with a group of unknown people in Sonoma, California and we built an altar to represent our time together. My alter offering was a coin that read: The Obstacle is the Way, a quote from Marcus Aurelius. I admitted I had no idea what this meant for me and wasn't even sure why I had started this program, only that I knew I was supposed to be there. I had researched many programs over the years and finally chose this one just wasn't terribly sure why.
It's been almost a full year and what a ride this has been! Not surprisingly, there have been ups and downs, new trials, and great wins. All in all, I am still one of the luckiest people alive to be able to experience the world the way I do. I left my job and am now offering services that align with my values to individuals and companies… and I get paid for it! I got to travel to some breathtaking places and take in the beauty of the world. I continue to fill what feels like a bottomless bucket of curiosity and am so grateful that my brain can still process so much.
I've also had the single most painful year of my life. After gall-bladder attacks years ago, I didn’t think that was possible but alas, all of you poor souls that deal with sciatica and pinched nerves will agree that this can be a doozie. I never knew what so many people suffer through daily and probably mostly silent (since I never knew so many of my own friends and acquaintances suffered from this and were then sharing how horribly long this can go on for) and for that, I say to anyone with chronic and debilitating pain and illness -- I am so sorry and literally feel your pain.
But this excruciating pain ended up being a beautiful gift. A gift I never knew I wanted but so desperately needed. No mud, no lotus, I guess? You see, I have admitted to many that I am a walking head. Sometimes I don't even know I have a body. I am a thinker, an observer rather than a doer, a deep thinker who seeks to unravel meaning in so many things. I even took pride in that, thinking that I was so bright, that I knew so many things, and that my observations of humans are what made me a good coach and leader. When I travel, I go to places where I can experience deeply and think. I even take frequent meditation retreats, although the point here is to not think :-). But I think about not thinking too.
But this pain stopped me from doing everything I loved and I couldn't even sleep. I could barely move my leg for 2 weeks and then couldn't walk and we happen to be staying where we do every December — 2 blocks away from beautiful beach and I was trapped indoors! I couldn't stand to cook and everything seemed to be moving in slow motion.
One of the actors in the Netflix show "Unstable" said this the other day and resonated so strongly with me…
“Pain grounds me and makes me live in the now.”
That was the gift that pain brought me, it forced me to stop and be here now. I had no choice but to be in my body, and listen. It forced me to be curious about the other 90% of me that had been making space for me since I was born but I had completely ignored for the majority of my life.
Back to my program from a year ago. I joined the program in part because I felt that I was missing the academic understanding of coaching and the structure that would make me a better coach. In the program, we practiced coaching each other as part of our learning journey and the feedback I got at the end was essentially that I needed to "forget all the structure stuff." But that's why I came!!!! I doubt that anyone ever questioned my ability to learn the structure and the context behind the program, but I was so concerned with those things, that I could not be present and was missing some key signals that you can only catch when you are fully there in the presence of someone else. And you can only do that when you are present for yourself. And thus, the pain brought me the gift of presence and noticing how much I live outside of presence regularly.
I've escaped presence as a survival and coping mechanism throughout my life. I grew up in harsh surroundings and missed out on essential parental affection. And as an adult, I've had to overcome all of what comes with being a Latin woman who doesn't always fit perfectly this society's norms, nor that of my own heritage. Getting into my head and stepping out of presence to deal with a lot of emotional pain, has been what has helped me stay hopeful and find ways around obstacles before me. Many of us live this way every day, almost creating a separate reality for ourselves because what is really happening is not something we know how to handle at the time.
I think now I understand now what The obstacle is the way means for me. It's time to live more in presence. My body is calling to me and telling me that it’s safe for me to inhabit it again. That I can slow down and take up this space for myself. It's time to come back to what is our nature and essence and live for today.
This is no easy lesson to learn and I am sure I have many, many lessons before me. Just a few weeks ago, I facilitated a leadership workshop that didn't go how I planned. My good friend shared an observation — you got in your head too much. Getting in my head is very much a default behavior of mine when I am stressed. And a pattern that I am learning to sense now because I can recognize signals from my body. Admittedly, I am still surprised by what my body is telling me.
I am forever grateful for this lesson and the physical pain has allowed in so much beauty. I look forward to getting out of my head to experience life as it is, rather than all the stories my brain is making up. And I sit in awe of the body’s ability to heal itself when we listen to what it asks for.
A friend shared this with me and it seems fitting from @ceciliamoonart…
